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Did you realize I spent my early teens playing flash games? I’d frequent Newgrounds, spam the forums with worthless opinions (racking up a post count north of 20k), then utilize the flash films/games because the icing around the teenage-annoyance cake. Then when the editor pushed #1 Diep.io – #1 Play Diep.io Game Online if you ask me, I used to be suspicious.

At first, I assumed to inquire: “How did you know I utilized to play flash games on Newgrounds?”, but thought he’d suspect something. Not only, if I was wrong, would he start carefully and systematically comparing Newgrounds general posts with my general awkward demeanor to trace down younger me but, if I was right, he would know I found myself on the bastard. Then this editor would foil my life plans by occasionally whispering in my ear: “hey, keep this in mind gem of any Newgrounds general post…”, thus bit-by-bit destroying what little confidence I have left.

Like other narratives, I was asked who’s tale it was. So, one a little water in the face later, I realized it wasn’t a philosophical question of free-will but just asking me my name. Although, noticing it was an online multiplayer title, I thought I’d hide how I’d be examining this video game with a critical eye within my job. So off I went. The tale of “NotAJournalist” had begun.

Naturally, like other free-to-play PvP titles, Diep.io commences with a whisper. You happen to be runt, the foot of a pile, in a bad world looking to shoot you in the back of your head. Or possibly a small, circular tank floating amongst other shapes as well as other tanks. Thus I did the most obvious thing: I blew through the squares, triangles and pentagons that hung out passively while dodging all the circle with names upon them. Yes, the aesthetic could possibly be recreated with MS Paint and one and only thing that is missing is Comic Sans.

Each level offered me the choice of upgrade: Regen, health, bullet damage, bullet speed, rate of fire, bullet penetration, body damage (collision damage), and movement speed. A thing that became immediately obvious was that when I planned to live more than a child in a paddling pool of concentrated hydrochloric acid, i then would need to pick regen sooner or later. Without one, I would personally be worn down over time like said child from before.

Eventually, I leveled past the “spitball-n-straw” stage and was asked should i wanted a machine-gun, a sniper rifle, a dual-barrel assault rifle, or to be able to shoot forwards and backwards while spinning madly such as a ballistic hedgehog. Since I’m the type of simpleton to play as Soldier 57 on Overwatch, from fear of confusion otherwise, I went with all the assault rifle option on my own tank.

In the long run, similar to most things, my time with Diep.io got to an end after i began picking fights along with other players. Despite having the best damage output I could muster, probably the most speed, a huge regen pool, and a lot more health than I knew how to handle, other players were quickly able to put me within my place. I’d be chipping away at their cathedral of health with my toothbrush shiv and they’d just sweep me aside with an almighty paw without noticing I ever existed.